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Manage Your Emotions


Today we continue our series on the path to emotional well-being with our third step - learning to manage our emotions.

I didn’t cry. It was a rule and I kept it. Crying was for wimpy women who were desperate and needy not for strong, independent women like me. At least this is what I told myself.

The reality was my emotions were stuffed so deep inside, I was completely out of touch with myself. All this changed as one millennium passed to another. In August 2000 I lost a stone out of my wedding ring. My modern design was such that I could not wear either my wedding band or my engagement ring.

My marriage was distant and somehow the loss of this symbol took on gargantuan significance for me. I found my voice and asked my husband to get my ring repaired. As Christmas approached I was certain what I’d find under the tree. I unwrapped several thoughtful gifts but no ring.

I didn’t worry too much though. I simply again expressed my need and waited for the Valentine’s present I knew would come. February brought another round of considerate items but no ring. The foundation of my emotions broke like the dam of a river at flood stage. My emotions came rushing out in a tangled mess of hysteria.

Unleashed, I couldn’t rebuild my dam. I cried at movies, at the slightest insult and I felt everything. I felt too deeply.

Neither of those extremes leads to emotional well-being. As I journeyed toward emotional health, I learned to manage my emotions. To do so I follow the Acknowledge, Analyze, Express cycle. I equate this to having company over for dinner.

Acknowledge – Today allow myself to feel a full spectrum of emotions. When one comes, I first take a moment to mentally acknowledge its presence. This is the point in your dinner party when you greet your guest at the door. Anger, apathy or elation has rung the doorbell of your heart but to actually greet our guest we have to move from the heart of our home to the door of our intellect. Welcome the emotion by opening the door.

Analyze – After acknowledging its presence, I give my emotion a name. This requires engaging both my heart and my mind. I think about what I’m feeling and address it by name. When guests come for dinner, it would be totally rude to leave them on the doorstep. You must invite them in, greet them and make them feel comfortable. You ask them questions to further the relationship. In this step, we do the same with feelings, we invite them in and get to know them until we know who and what they are.


Express – Once I know what my emotion is I choose a response. Whether my emotion is the gateway to a deeper problem or an indicator of long-term unaddressed issue, I choose how to respond. Do I need to verbally express my thoughts to someone? Do I need to pray? I choose my response. Every good dinner party ends in dessert. You eventually move to the door and choose. Will you have a future gathering? Will you pursue deeper relationship or move on? Do the same with your emotion. Choose the future your emotions will take.

I manage my emotions so they don’t manage me. Yes I still cry at movies. I even get unnecessarily huffy with my hubby from time to time but rather than swinging on the pendulum on my emotions, I let them guide me to the path of emotional well-being.

Do you ride on the tide of your emotions? What would happen if you managed them instead?

12 comments:

  1. What clear steps you offer to managing emotions: Acknowledge. Analyze. Express. I love the dinner party scenario also. God has been sharing, as I get older, the need of balance & living not in the extremes. This post is a great demonstration of that.

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    1. Love that - living in the balance instead of the extremes!

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  2. Thank you for sharing. I have been going through many emotions over a varity of things that have been going on for a few years. I have for the most part been doing what you have explained but its nice to see it wrote with a rhyme and reason. Express is the one I need to work on to complete the cycle. :)

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    1. Express is my weakest too. Thankfully God's still working on me!!!

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  3. Hi Shannon,
    You are so right about emotions, we have to feel them, cause stuffing them and holding them in keeps us from feeling good things as well, like love and joy. I liked your analogy to having friends over for dinner and your steps, all very good !!
    Many years ago, I learned to journal when I was feeling down or upset about something. I would make a list of what was bothering me, then attach an emotion to it, like you said. Sometimes I was amazed at how much stuff was on the list that I was just unaware of, until I took the time to really soul search. So then I would talk to the Lord about each one, and tell him how I felt and ask him to either help me forgive someone or to help me deal with the anger or whatever in a positive way. Very helpful.
    Seems the older I get the more I have become aware of the fact
    that I am having some help with many of my emotions, and I don't
    mean good help either, help from the old kill, steal and destroy
    entity, the enemy of our soul..........about 10 years ago when I was going thru menopause I used to just feel so angry and didn't know why or even feel like I had a reason, and I talked to one of my Pastors wives who was about 10-15 years older than me, and she was also a counselor. She suggested that when I got up in the morning to ask the Lord to control my anger, and I did, and when I prayed I was fine, and when I didn't it would get the best of me. A few months ago I was experiencing a lot of negative emotions about a lot of different things and I just didn't really understand it, but then I thought about what my Pastors wife said about the anger, so I started turning my will, thoughts, emotions, and feelings over to the Lord every morning and asking Him to control them, and I have just been amazed at how much that has helped me. Incredible the difference!
    I highly recommend it!

    Blessings to you hon, and thanks for the good information.
    Nellie

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    1. I am pre-menopausal and just beginning to experience this new season. Thanks for your wisdom and insight. I needed it!

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  4. I can understand the welcoming and working through said emotion,so that you are not carrying it around. But, what if there are only a couple of emotions/feelings that are permanently being carried around? They are not coming at me in an internal loop, just always sat there bombading me on all fronts.
    I have not spoken/typed these words to anyone else so forgive me if its unsettles you

    go in peace

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    1. I'm not an expert but as I understand it, our emotions our signals - indicators of what's happening inside us at a deeper level. If you have a couple of emotions that just linger continuously perhaps you would benefit from speaking about how you're feeling with a professionally licensed Biblical counselor.

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  5. Shannon, I love your creative way of dealing with emotions. I think we all deal with them differently, but what you're offering is a great guide to help us keep perspective. Emotions can be so damaging to the relationships in our lives if we don't manage the emotion and/or the root of the problem well. I think a key part of managing emotions is talking about them. I often realize how much I'm over reacting to something when I talk it out with another person and then hear their perspective. Of course, that's a slippery slope because sometimes we don't want to hear what the other person tells us which causes the emotion to spiral out of control even worse, OR we get bad advice which only deepens the root of the problem. That's one reason I love writing, because I can write about it and while I won't get feedback, writing helps me work through it from all angles and find solutions. :-)

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    1. And your writing doesn't just help you. It helps soooo many others too!

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  6. I have always tended to stuff my emotions. I grew up as the oldest of 6. (The youngest was less than 10 years younger than me.) I always felt that there was so much going on that as the oldest, I ought to make sure not to cause any more trouble than necessary ... which to me meant "no trouble at all". If I was sad, or lonely, or feeling rejected, I cried into my pillow at night. To cry aloud would be causing trouble. If I was angry, I'd carry out full conversations in my mind where i told off the person who made me angry, but I would never consider saying anything aloud. This strategy caused big problems that I can't talk about here. Thankfully, God freed me from that, and I now have healthier ways to deal with my emotions. "Express" is still the hardest, but I have come a long way.

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    1. Thank you so much for this testimony of God's healing! Love it!

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