Constellation Grace

Psalm 8:3, 4 When I consider your heavens...what is man that you are mindful of him?

These kids are going to be too close together.  I was the one who'd born three kids already and I didn't think having another one this soon was a good idea.  My husband who shared the fun of the moment of conception but none of the development of the baby disagreed.

Carynne Morgason Milholland was born just sixteen months after our third daughter.  I didn't know then the sweetness of a hug so tight it enfuses your heart with love.  I hadn't heard the sound of a voice so tender, it forces a smile to your face.  I couldn't imagine in less than two years my husband would have cancer that would eradicate any possibility of further children.

Today I am reading Psalm 8.  In this magnificent passage of praise, David stands in awe at glory of the heavens and the power of a Creator who fashioned them.  On any starry evening, I peer into the sky and wonder how the God of all heaven sees and cares for an ordinary girl like me.

I don't recall being particularly spiritual the day I let Scott talk me into another baby.  It was a usual day on my regular walk of faith.  My God who dwells among the galaxies and also in my heart gently nudged my husband that day.  He wanted to give me a present.

This would be no One Spot Target special.  The God who speaks solar systems into existence planted a seed of pure joy in my womb.  He planted her in His perfect timing.  She is an extravagant gift of His grace and love.

Jesus, when I stare out into Your vast sky, I consider Your greatness.  I feel so small by comparison.  Your hand is large enough to plant a star in the sky and gentle enough to bring clear evidence of Your love into my life and family.  There is no greater place to dwell than here with You in Constellation Grace.

Runner's World

Isaiah 50:11 But watch out, you who live in your own light and warm yourselves by your own fires.

I was in my second trimester of pregnancy with my second child.  I was working full time because our household budget required my financial contribution.  I wanted desperately to not put my child in daycare. 

What I thought was my answer came in my fourth month.  My husband was offered a job making almost double his current pay.  His new job would replace my income and then some!  One day we were moving to Philadelphia.  The next he came home and said the offer was rescinded.  I was crushed.

I did not pray.  I did not wait for my husband to lead.  I ran ahead of God.  I made my own light and walked by it by suggesting to my husband that we leave Memphis where we had incredible friends and attended a wonderful church and move to Chattanooga so his mom could watch our new baby.  He agreed.

That day was the first day of the end of my marriage. 

Today I am reading Psalm 7.  David is feeling the emotional pressure of attack from his enemies.  Unlike me he runs to God not ahead of God.  There he finds refuge.

When I chose to walk by the light of my own fire, I walked straight into destruction.  When I ran ahead of God, I ran into disaster.

Today's scripture reminds me that I have choice when I don't like the outcome.  I can stop, pray and wait on God or I can run ahead to destination unknown somewhere outside of God's will.

Jesus, today I wait for You.  I choose to  walk with You.  I want Your Word and wisdom to light my path.  Show me the way to walk in a runner's world.

Valley Girl

Psalm 6:8-9 The Lord has heard my weeping...the Lord accepts my prayer.

It was one of those days that breeds dread in the heart of every middle school parent.  Tryouts.  All I wanted was for her to make the team.  It didn't matter to me if she ever set foot on the court as long as she was with her friends.

Tryouts concluded with an envelope passed to every girl.  We walked to the car to a symphony of ripped paper, shouts of celebration and mournful sobs.  My daughter wanted privacy.  She didn't open her envelope until we reached the safety of my SUV.  Nervous but silently praying for a yes, one final envelope was opened.  The letter was a no.  The texts came rapidly.  Each report was the same.  My daughter's friends were smiling.  She was crying.

Today I am reading Psalm 6.  David must be having a really bad hair day.  Maybe he even broke a fingernail because he is in a particularly bad mood.  I don't think that's the stuff that fuels a manly king's tears but something has him downcast and blubbering.

I don't know why I took my daughter's no so hard.  She was over it the next day but I just kept right on crying.  I didn't understand why God would allow her to be the only one of her friends not to make the team.  Had He not heard my prayers?

The truth is He did.  About five years ago, I dared to begin praying radical prayers for my daughters.  I prayed that God would do whatever it took to draw them into a deep, abiding relationship with Him.  I prayed that trials would come into their life because during trials our faith grows exponentially.  God answered my prayers.

It's been three years since the day my daughter didn't make the team.  Her faith has grown incredibly.  This summer she isn't a pool junkie or a camp hopper.  She's an intern at our church, pouring her life out in the Children's ministry.  Her burning passion is for kids to know her Jesus.  Her faith has been made real.

I don't know what happened with David the day he wrote this Psalm but I can declare with certainty that his faith grew as a result of his pain.

Jesus, today I dare to pray a radical prayer not just for my kids but for myself.  Try us.  Stretch us.  Grow us.  In the valley of tears, I see You most clearly.  When I weep, I will remember the priceless gift given every Valley Girl - growth.

American Idle

James 5:16b The prayer of a righteous (woman) is powerful and effective.

My first planning error was venturing out with my brain still hazy from my recent pregnancy.  My second was going to Costco with my mother.  Clara and Carynne were then still both under two.  They were present but not contributing much to the conversation.  As we typically do when we have an uninterrupted moment, we were chatting away like two young school girls.

Our trip through the store was equally fun.  We shopped, laughed and prattled our way down every aisle.  Our cart stacked high with our purchases, we made our way back to the car.  I couldn't find the keys.  Too little brain power + too much fun with mom = A big problem.  Panic immediately began to set in.  As I dug faster through my purse, fear rose in my throat.

Then a thought.  Perhaps for some unknown reason I left them in the car.  That is exactly where I found them.  In the car.  In the ignition.  With the motor running.

This morning I am reading Psalm 5.  In this passage, David lays his concerns before God.  His words are honest and raw.  David is not content to live his life idling or meandering in first gear.  He wants everything God has to offer and is bold enough to ask Him for it.

Too often my life just happens without intentionality.  There are errands to run, sporting events to attend and laundry to wash.  One day just blends into the next.  I'm stuck in American Idle.

That morning in the parking lot my engine was running but I was just wasting gas.  When I attempt to live a prayerless existence my life is like that.  I can run around and think I do so much good but really I'm just wasting gas.  An effective life is a prayer-filled one.

A car sitting in a parking lot, running with the keys in the ignition is just asking to be stolen.  Likewise, a work done in my power is under grave threat to have its' impact stolen by the enemy.  It is by laying a foundation of prayer that my life is empowered.  An empowered life is a prayer-filled one. 

Jesus, I don't want to be stuck in the parking lot of life idling and waiting for life to happen.  I want to live full throttle, pedal to the floor, all out for you.  To do so I must pause and fill my life with the high octane fuel of prayer.  So long, American Idle. 

A Search Party

Psalm 139:23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. (NIV)

Seven years ago today, my life took a 180.  The day started as a single mother of two daughters.  The day ended as a married woman whose husband pledged to love her children as his own. 

We celebrate our anniversary with our children.  For us, it's the day we became a family, not just a couple. Early on Scott established a tradition of writing an annual letter addressed to all his girls.  In it he documents the blessings of God for our family and how he sees Him at work in each life. 

It will not surprise you that every year I cry.  I feel so amazingly blessed to be married to a man who loves me and our four daughters so immeasurably.  Every year I wonder to myself how I could ever be angry at him.

Today's passage is Psalm 4.  This chapter contains a verse that is partially quoted by Paul in the book of Ephesians - "in your anger do not sin.  The expanded version written by David says, "In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent."

As I read this I thought about the nights I've laid in bed stewing over a supposed oversight or injury by my spouse.  How senseless.  I considered all the moments I spewed my complaints without a thought or prayer.

I know from experience that my marriage is not transformed by asking God to change my husband's heart.  I also know from experience that my marriage has been radically transformed by asking God to change mine.

Jesus, when I invite, You send out a search party for my heart. I have so many reasons to be thankful for my dear husband. Reshape my nighttime thoughts to recount Your goodness and ask You to peer into my heart.  In quiet reflection, I will pray and not speak.  I want a marriage radically blessed and transformed by Your love and grace.

The Avenger

Psalm 3:8a From the Lord comes deliverance.

Since I live in a house full of girls, it may surprise you that the favorite new show at my house is The Avengers.  The Avengers are a team of superheros who team up to fight evil.  They find they are stronger assembled. Where one is deficient, another stands in the gap.

We are enthusiastic fans who record every episode.  Nothing stirs up excitement in the family more than the announcement of a new installment.  Recently, we found out The Avengers will move up to the silver screen in 2012.  I picture a row of six fans in pink among a primarily male audience.

Today I am reading Psalm 3.  David, fearing for his life, flees the threat of bodily harm from his own son, Absalom.  I can not comprehend a reality in which one of my sweet daughters could wish me physical harm.  While not intentional, they are at times the source of great emotional pain.  No one can wound my heart like one of my girls.

Sometimes I wish I had a superhero of my own to call on.  David, who slayed Goliath with a single stone knew that mystical powers were not required to do the impossible.  Jehovah God is the God of the miraculous.  David cries to God from his place of emotional pain.  In this passage I see the best of several Avenger heroes.

• Captain America - Captain America is a comic book hero whose power doesn't come from Gamma radiation or an alien planet.  His strength is his training.  He is the ultimate soldier - perhaps what would result if you could multiply a Green Beret by a Navy Seal.  His weapon of choice is his shield.  He uses it to attack and to defend.  In this passage, David refers to God as his shield.  Our Shield is also not just a passive device.  He will fight for us.
• Iron Man - Iron Man builds extraordinary advantage on cutting edge technology.  His suit and home are both run by an unseen electronic assistant named Jarvis.  Iron Man speaks his requests and Jarvis is faithful to fulfill them.  In the depth of David's despair, he cries out to God.  Our God hears us when we call.  He is faithful and will answer.
• Thor - Thor is a "god" from another dimension.  Since he is above mortals, he possesses no fear of them.  David feels as if everyone has turned away but he remembers even ten thousand hold nothing to fear when God is with him.  God does not abandon us.  He is with us.  God standing with us is more powerful than an army of any size.

Jesus, You fight for me.  Your weapons are a shield, an ear and fearlessness.  When I am afraid or discouraged, I  know You will be fearless.  You are my Avenger.

Mutiny Within

Psalm 61:4 I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.

With four affirmatives, the vote was unanimous.  We were moving to Grandmas.  I can't now remember what action incited this mutiny but we were ready to abandon the mom and dad ship for sure.  Best I recall, the Admiral (aka Dad) threw the oldest into the brig, instantly intimidating the remaining insurrectionists.  Our anarchy was annihilated before a single foot hit the pavement.

Today's passage is Psalm 2.  It opens with a question.  My paraphrase:  Why in the world do people ever think they can battle God?  Are we foolish enough to think we could actually win?

Even though I have zero chance of victory, I take up just such a pursuit quite regularly.  As if perpetually stuck in adolescence, I think that I can talk God into the changing the rules by the sheer volume of my arguments.  I have a smaller probability of success with the true Admiral than I did my dad decades ago.

Truth is God asks things of me I am reluctant to give.  He takes me places I am hesitant to go.  Is it possible to move from my juvenile bargaining attempts into a growing faith and trust in God?

It is.  The last line tells me how. "Blessed are all who take refuge in Him."  I have never walked in my home and questioned if disaster were imminent.  I inherently trust the structure to protect me.  Shelter is a place of quiet confidence.  When I choose to trust God, I take refuge in Him wherever I go and whatever I face.

Jesus, steer the ship of my life where You want it to go.  I choose to surrender.  Today there will be no mutiny within.