The Behavior of Belonging

O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, 

for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago.

Isaiah 25:1

"When I marry, Milholland will become my middle name, right Mommy?" piped up my seven year old last week. 

"Yes, honey, just like Mommy you will get a new name when you get married."

Clara then proceeded trying out the last name of every boy she knows that she finds even remotely appealing. Suddenly some of these boys became more or less attractive on the sole basis of how good their last name sounded with her first. This little exercise reminded me of the time in college when I met a very handsome, friendly and godly young man whom I repelled the second I found out his last name was Shannon. There was absolutely no way I was going through life as a perpetual stutter. 

Hi. I'm Shannon Shannon.

That was definitely NOT going to work for me. 

But eventually I did find a name that fit and not because it sounded good with Shannon (although I think it kind of does). It fit because I was inspired by the one who bore that name. He is my guy and I want to be a credit to his name. I belong to him and he belongs to me. 

Belonging should influence my behavior. 

Because my children are mine, I give them grace.

Because my husband is mine, I speak kindly about him.

Because my friend is mine, I keep her confidence.

But the truth is I'm not always a credit to my husband's name. Sometimes I undermine his authority with our kids. Or I overspend even when I know better. Or I tell a story better left unsaid because I want the laugh more than I want him to feel respected. My track record isn't spotless in my other relationships either.

And sometimes I'm not the one who does a poor job at belonging.

You give your child the very best of your heart and home, only to have him walk away from it and not return.

You give your spouse the best years of your life, only to have her leave you.

You give your friend your time, only to have her take advantage of your kindness.

So how can I allow belonging to influence my behavior? By relying on His perfect faithfulness. When I glorify His name, He gives my mind patience to deal with another request from my kids. When I exalt Him, He gives my heart room to love my husband another day. When I adore him, He me the confidence to be a better friend.

O Lord, You are my God. When I choose Him, I choose faithfulness. Belonging influences my behavior.

Manage Your Emotions

Today we continue our series on the path to emotional well-being with our third step - learning to manage our emotions.

I didn’t cry. It was a rule and I kept it. Crying was for wimpy women who were desperate and needy not for strong, independent women like me. At least this is what I told myself.

The reality was my emotions were stuffed so deep inside, I was completely out of touch with myself. All this changed as one millennium passed to another. In August 2000 I lost a stone out of my wedding ring. My modern design was such that I could not wear either my wedding band or my engagement ring.

My marriage was distant and somehow the loss of this symbol took on gargantuan significance for me. I found my voice and asked my husband to get my ring repaired. As Christmas approached I was certain what I’d find under the tree. I unwrapped several thoughtful gifts but no ring.

I didn’t worry too much though. I simply again expressed my need and waited for the Valentine’s present I knew would come. February brought another round of considerate items but no ring. The foundation of my emotions broke like the dam of a river at flood stage. My emotions came rushing out in a tangled mess of hysteria.

Unleashed, I couldn’t rebuild my dam. I cried at movies, at the slightest insult and I felt everything. I felt too deeply.

Neither of those extremes leads to emotional well-being. As I journeyed toward emotional health, I learned to manage my emotions. To do so I follow the Acknowledge, Analyze, Express cycle. I equate this to having company over for dinner.

Acknowledge – Today allow myself to feel a full spectrum of emotions. When one comes, I first take a moment to mentally acknowledge its presence. This is the point in your dinner party when you greet your guest at the door. Anger, apathy or elation has rung the doorbell of your heart but to actually greet our guest we have to move from the heart of our home to the door of our intellect. Welcome the emotion by opening the door.

Analyze – After acknowledging its presence, I give my emotion a name. This requires engaging both my heart and my mind. I think about what I’m feeling and address it by name. When guests come for dinner, it would be totally rude to leave them on the doorstep. You must invite them in, greet them and make them feel comfortable. You ask them questions to further the relationship. In this step, we do the same with feelings, we invite them in and get to know them until we know who and what they are.

Express – Once I know what my emotion is I choose a response. Whether my emotion is the gateway to a deeper problem or an indicator of long-term unaddressed issue, I choose how to respond. Do I need to verbally express my thoughts to someone? Do I need to pray? I choose my response. Every good dinner party ends in dessert. You eventually move to the door and choose. Will you have a future gathering? Will you pursue deeper relationship or move on? Do the same with your emotion. Choose the future your emotions will take.

I manage my emotions so they don’t manage me. Yes I still cry at movies. I even get unnecessarily huffy with my hubby from time to time but rather than swinging on the pendulum on my emotions, I let them guide me to the path of emotional well-being.

Do you ride on the tide of your emotions? What would happen if you managed them instead?

Lessons Learned on the Road-Treat Injury Immediately

If I asked you where you were eleven years ago today, you no doubt could tell me. Were you clustered around a television at work? Did you watch in horror on a mall screen? Did you feel incredibly small and lonely as you witnessed terror within the walls of a home that no longer seemed safe?

Six thirty am that morning I boarded a plane leaving from Atlanta to Chicago. As planes were striking towers, we were sailing above the clouds. Havoc unleashed its fury on our health and safety, my plane was listed among those unaccounted for and potentially taken over by terrorists.

We landed at O’Hare to the hush of horror. One of the world’s busiest airports had halted to ingest the impact of a new normal. My new normal had boarded the plane with me that morning. After 8 years of striving for love in a loveless marriage, I teetered on the brink of an emotional affair and the end of my marriage.

Out of the ashes of destruction, hope sprang into my heart. What could birth passion in a marriage more than the threat of losing your spouse? As I snaked in my rental car from Chicago to Chattanooga, my heart dared to dream. I let it wander around my insides with wishes of a romantic reunion.

My dream didn't come to pass. It blended into a nightmare of too little counseling too late and a divorce in August, 2002. I learned something through 9/11 I'm often reminded of when I run.

Don't let injuries fester.

My first husband was a perfect match for my people pleasing non-confrontational personality. We had an unspoken agreement to have as little friction in our marriage as possible. If we didn't talk about our problems, we didn't have to admit they existed.

When you injure yourself while running, your best chance for containing that injury is to treat it immediately. Injuries that fester because you just keep running, have a longer-term, more significant impact than those you deal with.

Injuries in relationship are the same. Let's not allow our relational hurts to fester. Instead, let's invite God into our pain and proceed with an immediate treatment plan which might include painful conversations and uncomfortable situations. But the pain we experience now will be far less than the pain waiting for us later.

Treat injury immediately and avoid the pain of long-term hurt.

What's your most recent injury? What would it take to just treat it now? What's keeping you from doing so?

Is Your Marriage Worth 15 Seconds?

Today I have the honor of introducing you to Lindsay Hall, better known as The Sweet Christian Bride. There she encourages brides to prepare for their "big day" not just logistically but also spiritually. If you know a bride-to-be, are the mother of an upcoming bride or know one, would you be so kind as to pass her site on to them? It will be a guaranteed blessing!
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by Lindsay Hall

15 seconds.

15. 14. 13. 12. 11. 10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.

Over in a blip. We all have hoards of 15 second scraps throughout our day when we just let time go. But what if you could take back one of those 15 second scraps and redeem it? Would you try it? 

A friend told me that she and her husband have a 15 second kiss every day. Their schedules are so conflicting that it was becoming easy to miss one another for too many hours in a week. Time was something they didn't have a lot of, but 15 seconds a day they did. So they took it. For 15 seconds every day, they remembered their romance, and it has yielded great reward.

My husband and I have 15 seconds a day to spare, so we added this kiss to our daily repertoire too. I do believe my friend and her husband were on to something. 


Wives especially need non-sexual touches throughout the day to communicate that they are loved. 15 seconds before one of you goes off to work means that you can be deeply passionate in that kiss without it turning into sex. Conversely, if your 15 second kiss is when you are hanging out with your honey, it might just be the catalyst for organic, firework sex.

The kiss is what you make of it. But knowing that 15 seconds each day, no matter how hectic that day might be, is your time to communicate affection to your spouse will keep your mind looking for time to connect romantically. It will keep you in tune with your spouse because you will be searching your day for where it might connect with your spouse's for those 15 precious seconds.

You would be surprised how an intentional kiss every day can revolutionize the intimacy in your marriage. Try it. It only takes 15 seconds.

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Native to Los Angeles, Lindsay Hall has founded and authored a website for Christian brides called The Sweet Christian Bride. The site showcases Lindsay’s wedding expertise as well as A Bride’s Devotional, a complimentary download for brides. Lindsay has also been published in devotionals and discipleship curriculum and is a polished and motivating speaker. By the grace of God and with the ample support of her best friend and husband, Chris, Lindsay has been growing professionally as an author and speaker, helping to strengthen Christian marriages.

Marriage is a Marathon

It was Mother's Day 2003. I wasn't really expecting a present from Scott. We weren't engaged. We weren't married. And I certainly wasn't yet the mother of his children. 

The package was simple in its presentation yet extravagant in its impact. The words Marathoning for Mortals blinked back at me. Mortal definitely described me. 

Often picked last in PE, I never believe I could run to the end of the block let alone mile after mile. My then boyfriend, saw an unexposed dream tucked in my heart. I wanted to run a marathon. I wanted to believe an unathletic, uncoordinated, ordinary single mom of two could run 26.2 miles.

Life happened. We got engaged. We got married. I bore two more daughters. 

Nearly ten years later I finally cracked the spine. Reading this book has been a delicious morsel of how-to and you-can. Every bite has tasted like inspiration.

As great as this book is as a marathon training guide, and I do highly recommend it, digesting it has reminded me of a different marathon - marriage. Each of Bingham and Hadfield's sections has called to my heart as a wife.

Getting Started

Even though we dated two years, Scott and I weren't entirely sure we were ready to marry. Divorce carves caverns of reluctance into your heart. Could two "marriage flunkies" really make it? We have and we will because as we got started we invited God into the center of our marriage.

Training

Just as long distance running requires a daily regimen of rest, cross-training, miles and nutrition, marriage requires daily care. Marriage needs rest - moments of quiet reflection on a walk, in bed or over coffee. Marriage needs cross-training - I need to do my other priorities well to maximize my life with my spouse. Marriage needs miles - marriage is a day in, day out commitment. As I log miles of encouragement, love and tenderness my heart becomes better trained for the distance. Marriage needs nutrition - I need to feed my marriage time and attention.

The Toolbox

Like a casual runner who leaps from a 5-K to a half-marathon in a week, some marriage issues get too big for just the couple to handle. In our toolbox, we need to pack mentors, counselors and resources. A mentor couple can smooth out the bumpy road of marriage. Counselors can help us around unexpected bends. Resources like seminars, books and Bible studies can keep us off relationship-breaking concrete and allow us to run on the cushion of wisdom.

Game Face

The best time to prepare for marital strife is before it occurs. When we pray together as a couple, invite God into our marriage and live according to Biblical guidelines, our marital game face is secure.

John "The Penguin" Bingham &
Coach Jenny Hadfield,
co-authors of "Marathoning for Mortals"

Training Plans

Just as a runner can't peel off 26.2 miles without a plan, neither can we experience success in marriage without a plan. We need to make a plan together. How often will we date? What time will we spend together each day? How will we stay emotionally connected? All these questions and more need to be addressed in our mutually agreed upon marriage training plan.

Thank you, John Bingham and Jenny Hadfield, for your book. I will run my first marathon December 1st. I will be better prepared because you so kindly shared your wisdom. But I will also be more prepared to run one of the most important races of my life - the one that begins with "I do" and ends with "death us do part". 

Learning to Fight Well

Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.

James 3:18

My husband pursues conflict. I avoid it. His style is straight forward and direct. Mine is evasive.


I knew early on in our marriage, we would struggle if I didn't learn how to effectively have conflict with my spouse. I had to acknowledge that peacemaking wasn't the absence of conflict it was the ability to work through conflict to a resolution. Committed to the process, I adopted three strategies to aid in the conflict process.


Time


I wake first thing in the morning ready to engage. My hubby drinks the morning in slowly over coffee. If I chose the first moments of my day for discussion, it would be poorly timed. The timing of a talk needs to happen when you are both alert and engaged. For us that's often when we are alone on a walk just after dinner or perhaps while running mid-morning. 


Tone


Much of the time I have an even, pleasant tone when interacting with my family. However, conflict tends to make me silent or overly combative. My hubby wants to interact with his spouse - the usual one. I need to select a tone that matches my love and commitment to him. So silence or anger are out.


Temperament


If I'm feeling grouchy it's not a good time to having a serious discussion. Scott and I adhere to the HALTS principle. If we're hungry, angry, lonely, tired or sick, our temperament is not suited to conflict. Our time will be more effective if we wait until we are on the even keel.


What are some conflict management techniques that have worked for you? Share yours in a comment below!
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In honor of my man, I am posting today about the "Man Cave Filler" $600 Cash Giveaway. Enter by clicking the icon below: 

Resurrecting Your Home Life

I married the love of my life on 6/5/04 at 3 in the afternoon. We entered the church as 2 and left as 1. My geeky math major heart beat wildly at the prospect. If I was completely honest though, I'd tell you we entered the church as 4 and left as 1. I brought two young daughters into the marriage with me. We all stood at the altar. We all exchanged vows. That day wasn't just the beginning of a marriage; it was the genesis of a family.

Day one we carted kids to school, churned out homework and activities. We married into the crazy stage of multiple kids most couples take years to encounter. Crazy is our honeymoon phase. We wanted to honor our marriage first as our most important human relationship. We desired to have Christ at the center of our family with time for family worship in the home around the dinner table. Our home life needed a resurrection. Every day can be a new beginning with these strategies:

First Things First
In our home the master suite is on the first floor. With our children tucked upstairs, we have a living representation of our family priorities. We have to fight for couple time. We leave our little kids with their older sisters and go on a weekly date because we believe our need to connect as a couple supersedes their need to socialize with friends.

We scratch for time together. We go on walks after dinner, "nap" on Sunday afternoons, kiss in the kitchen and hold hands at church. We make our minutes count and we count our minutes. With the combination of intentional time together and intentional use of the time we get, we keep our marriage strong.

Who's on Second?
We have four daughters who range in age from preschool to high school. One is receiving letters from colleges while another learns her letters. Our teens are highly involved in our church. A minimum of three nights a week they attend youth activities. They each participate in one activity at school. They have friends, school assignments and interests.

We could easily be a family who dines nightly at three different fast food joints and scarfs our food on the run in three separate cars. We choose something else. We schedule nights for family dinner. Even if our "banquet" is as simple as waffles and eggs or chicken pot pie, we gather together around our kitchen table. We can't connect if we're not together.

I say no to nights out with the girls. Scott says no to purely social evening outings with the guys. We limit our kids to one activity apiece. We say no so we can say to each other.

Wherever You Are, Be All There
This is my favorite quote my martyr missionary Jim Elliot. It reminds me to fully engage with my family whether we're cooking dinner over homework or riding bikes around the block. It encourages me to finish my housework early so I have time for house play. It beckons my heart to God each morning so I have enough of Him to be enough for my family.

Balance is a fight. Priorities are a struggle. It is a war worth waging. Just as Christ fought and won the victory for us on Easter, let's be willing to fight and win a daily victory in our homes. Let's live the resurrection so that Easter isn't an event, it's a lifestyle.

Will You Marry Me?

Yesterday I was a guest on a blog for pastor's wives. I wrote a piece about marriage and really the struggles a ministry couple experiences are no different than those for any couple, so I wanted to also share it here. If you're a pastor's wife and want to join the conversation, you can find A Pastor's Wife's Garden on Facebook and their Blog.
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Scott & Shannon on the night of their engagement

Sun-kissed skin and hair did little to hide my smile. The salty Jacksonville air blew around us as he looked into my eyes. I wanted to drink in the moment. I knew the question he would ask. The man of my dreams would soon ask me to marry him.

"Will you marry me?" The question asked and answered for centuries by millions of lovers, fell from his lips. My heart beat erratically in response. Before I could shout, "Yes!" he stopped me. He had a question to ask of two little young ladies first.

The thirty minutes from the beach to my home passed in alternating periods of stall and blur. Soon we were seated on the couch surrounded by my seven and four year old daughters. "Girls, I asked your mommy to marry me tonight. That means I want us to live together and be a real family but I won't let her answer until I ask you a very important question. Will you be my daughters?"

Their enthusiasm, fueled by surprise, outweighed my own. A stuffed animal sky rocketed to the ceiling as a chorus of "Yes! Yes! Yes!" rang from their lips.

Finally it was my turn to answer. My yes completed our joy. In nine months we would marry in a small church in a small town in Mississippi, witnessed by a few lifelong friends and our immediate family. The vows we would all exchange entered us not just into the covenant of marriage but the covenant of family. That day four became one.

Five years later my husband left his corporate executive job to become the COO (Executive Pastor) of a church 600 miles away in the last city where I shared happiness with my first husband. It was a place I never wanted to return. Since then, I have teased Scott many times that had I known what he was really asking that day, I may have changed my answer.

Indeed marriage is for better or worse. Sometimes ministry births days that stretch my marriage almost to its breaking point. For the good of God's church, we both carry burdens we are not entirely free to share with the other. Our hearts ache because close relationships are elusive. What should drive us together some days drives us apart.

Can ministry be a happily ever after?

Yes! I live my happily ever after every day...even on the really hard ones. Here's how:

Gratitude - It sounds simple and it is. As I move my thoughts from what's wrong to what's right, my heart warms to my husband. I whisper single sentence prayers of thanksgiving to the Giver of every good gift.

Thank you for my husband who comes home to me.

Thank you for my husband who cares so deeply for Your church.

Thank you for my husband. He is a gift from Your hand.


Time - I once heard a youth speaker say children spell love T-I-M-E. He asserted there was no such thing as quality time, only quantity. My husband spells love the same way. I often leave dirty dishes to crust in the sink because I'd rather awake to crusty dishes than a moldy marriage.

Some evenings we mindlessly watch American Idol while we hold hands and judge each performance. Other nights we whisper the secrets of love in a language unique to marriage. Many times we just enjoy being together and building our marriage one day, one trial, one stress, one ordinary at a time.

Oneness - Have you ever noticed that God says at least four times, "The two shall become one?" When I read God's Word, I try to pay extra attention to things God repeats. I figure if He felt it worth repeating, I should find it worthy of my full attention. The principle of oneness is a guiding principle in our marriage.

The activities I engage in, the way I spend money, the things I watch and think about are all sifted from the perspective of oneness. If something makes us more two than one, I make the choice not to invest time or energy there.

If we're married, we all answered the question. We said yes. Now we need to daily learn to say yes to living our happily ever after today among real stress, real pain and real issues. When we follow hearts of gratitude to spend time being one with our spouse, we'll find our happily ever after was here all along.