Select Your Conflict

"You're a Meanie Geanie!" It was the ultimate insult hurled across the room when my brother and I were mad at each other. I don't even remember the three other names but I remember there were a total of four classifications for unacceptable sibling behavior. Meanie Geanie was reserved for the most despicable.

Clearly I did not grow up in a house of fighters. We are stuffers. We are card carrying members of the Conflict Avoider Club. We sweep issues behind large pieces of furniture where they are safely hidden with dust bunnies and can't be seen or discussed.

Whether we lock it under the key of our heart or blab about it on aisle three of the local supermarket, we all have stuff. Whether we avoid it like an IRS audit or post it proudly on our front door, we all have stuff. For years we’ve either fought or fled.

Fight or flight. Science will tell us those are the only options. I flee conflict like it’s the bubonic plague. Others get in there are fight to the death. What if there was a third option? Engagement.

No I’m not talking about the flowery kind that ends with a ring on your hand that reflects light around your car and screams, “He loves me!” I’m referring to engaging your heart and mind in the midst of conflict.

Hope for the “Flight Attendant”

Those of us whose natural inclination is to avoid conflict at all costs I call flight attendants. The moment we sense a conversation or situation beyond our control we disengage. We offer our opponent their choice of coffee, tea or milk – whatever is required to settle the situation and return to peace.

To engage, the Flight Attendant must make a conscious choice to stay and decide to love their opponent enough to speak what dwells in the cavern of the heart. Those words won’t come easily but the choice to speak will take your friendship, marriage or family relationship to a deeper level than we dreamed possible.

Hope for the “Bookie”

Some of us revel in conflict. We enjoy a good fight so much we’ll even take bets on it. We bet on ourselves to win every time. Whether our war is words or wounds we dish out the worst. Instead of being engaged, we become enraged.

To engage, the Bookie must throttle back the emotion and see the person before them through the filter of love. With love in the forefront, the Bookie must choose to stop talking, listen and draw out the depth of the other. In the end we will “win” as we see our relationships enriched.

What about you? Are you a Flight Attendant, a Bookie or a concoction of the two? Wherever we currently land, we can choose a new conflict style – engagement. No longer will we lay awake at night and stew of the conflict not taken. No longer will we live with the regret of reckless words. Instead our emotional well-being will blossom as our relationships become deeper, richer, meaningful.