"You're
a Meanie Geanie!" It was the ultimate insult hurled across the room when
my brother and I were mad at each other. I don't even remember the three other
names but I remember there were a total of four classifications for
unacceptable sibling behavior. Meanie Geanie was reserved for the most
despicable.
Clearly I
did not grow up in a house of fighters. We are stuffers. We are card carrying
members of the Conflict Avoider Club. We sweep issues behind large pieces of
furniture where they are safely hidden with dust bunnies and can't be seen or
discussed.
Whether
we lock it under the key of our heart or blab about it on aisle three of the
local supermarket, we all have stuff. Whether we avoid it like an IRS audit or
post it proudly on our front door, we all have stuff. For years we’ve either
fought or fled.
Fight
or flight. Science will tell us those are the only options. I flee conflict
like it’s the bubonic plague. Others get in there are fight to the death. What
if there was a third option? Engagement.
No
I’m not talking about the flowery kind that ends with a ring on your hand that
reflects light around your car and screams, “He loves me!” I’m referring to
engaging your heart and mind in the midst of conflict.
Hope for the “Flight Attendant”
Those
of us whose natural inclination is to avoid conflict at all costs I call flight
attendants. The moment we sense a conversation or situation beyond our control
we disengage. We offer our opponent their choice of coffee, tea or milk –
whatever is required to settle the situation and return to peace.
To
engage, the Flight Attendant must make a conscious choice to stay and decide to
love their opponent enough to speak what dwells in the cavern of the heart.
Those words won’t come easily but the choice to speak will take your
friendship, marriage or family relationship to a deeper level than we dreamed
possible.
Hope for the “Bookie”
To
engage, the Bookie must throttle back the emotion and see the person before
them through the filter of love. With love in the forefront, the Bookie must
choose to stop talking, listen and draw out the depth of the other. In the end
we will “win” as we see our relationships enriched.
What
about you? Are you a Flight Attendant, a Bookie or a concoction of the two?
Wherever we currently land, we can choose a new conflict style – engagement. No
longer will we lay awake at night and stew of the conflict not taken. No longer
will we live with the regret of reckless words. Instead our emotional
well-being will blossom as our relationships become deeper, richer, meaningful.
