Select Your Conflict

"You're a Meanie Geanie!" It was the ultimate insult hurled across the room when my brother and I were mad at each other. I don't even remember the three other names but I remember there were a total of four classifications for unacceptable sibling behavior. Meanie Geanie was reserved for the most despicable.

Clearly I did not grow up in a house of fighters. We are stuffers. We are card carrying members of the Conflict Avoider Club. We sweep issues behind large pieces of furniture where they are safely hidden with dust bunnies and can't be seen or discussed.

Whether we lock it under the key of our heart or blab about it on aisle three of the local supermarket, we all have stuff. Whether we avoid it like an IRS audit or post it proudly on our front door, we all have stuff. For years we’ve either fought or fled.

Fight or flight. Science will tell us those are the only options. I flee conflict like it’s the bubonic plague. Others get in there are fight to the death. What if there was a third option? Engagement.

No I’m not talking about the flowery kind that ends with a ring on your hand that reflects light around your car and screams, “He loves me!” I’m referring to engaging your heart and mind in the midst of conflict.

Hope for the “Flight Attendant”

Those of us whose natural inclination is to avoid conflict at all costs I call flight attendants. The moment we sense a conversation or situation beyond our control we disengage. We offer our opponent their choice of coffee, tea or milk – whatever is required to settle the situation and return to peace.

To engage, the Flight Attendant must make a conscious choice to stay and decide to love their opponent enough to speak what dwells in the cavern of the heart. Those words won’t come easily but the choice to speak will take your friendship, marriage or family relationship to a deeper level than we dreamed possible.

Hope for the “Bookie”

Some of us revel in conflict. We enjoy a good fight so much we’ll even take bets on it. We bet on ourselves to win every time. Whether our war is words or wounds we dish out the worst. Instead of being engaged, we become enraged.

To engage, the Bookie must throttle back the emotion and see the person before them through the filter of love. With love in the forefront, the Bookie must choose to stop talking, listen and draw out the depth of the other. In the end we will “win” as we see our relationships enriched.

What about you? Are you a Flight Attendant, a Bookie or a concoction of the two? Wherever we currently land, we can choose a new conflict style – engagement. No longer will we lay awake at night and stew of the conflict not taken. No longer will we live with the regret of reckless words. Instead our emotional well-being will blossom as our relationships become deeper, richer, meaningful.

Spit That Out!

You will go out in joy  and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. 

Isaiah 55:12

Working my frustration of the day into it chew by chew, my jaws grew weary from their work. I was chomping on gum for pleasure but my pleasure waxed to pain. Have you ever noticed the longer you chew a piece of gum, the harder it gets?

A certified people pleaser, nothing upsets my soul more than conflict. I can chew on misplaced, harsh or angry words for hours. The longer I chew, the harder it gets.


Each bite of instant replay moves forgiveness farther from my reach.
Each taste of concern over my phrasing turns my focus away from God.
The longer I chew, the more bitter my world becomes.


Conflict is inevitable so how can we communicate with others without making a midnight snack of our conversation?


Accept Responsibility


We own what we say. By taking full responsibility for our words we move from reaction mode to response. A reaction is a thoughtless, involuntary retort. A response is a God-directed, well-thought reply.


Move Toward Reconciliation


Be the first to offer forgiveness. Take the lead in healing. Leave the conversation without regret by moving toward reconciliation.


Refuse to Replay


After the conclusion of your conversation, mentally press stop. Refuse to allow your mind to dissect and dwell on every exchange. Allow grace to cover your mind and your conversation.


When we stop chewing, joy fills the spaces of our heart. We will leave the conversation, go out in joy and be led by peace.


What are you chewing on today? What would be required for you to spit it out?

Kissing Misunderstanding Under the Mistletoe

James 1:19 Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

On the way to school this morning Clara spotted a bright orange T adorning one of the yards. "Look, Mommy, those people have a T in their yard. They must like tigers because T is for tiger." I immediately thought of how funny (or maybe irritating) her statement would be to both the fans of the bright orange University of Tennessee and their instate rival the University of Memphis Tigers.

This time of year my "misunderstanding" button gets pressed more often than I'd like to admit. Somewhere among plans, wrapping, cooking and baking, my emotions get raw and the sensitive in me surfaces. Now for poor Clara growing up with four other girls in the house her problem isn't misunderstanding, it's lack of information. But really when I think about it that's usually my problem too.

I'm too busy checking items off my list and rushing to and fro and I don't stop and listen to the other party. I wonder how different my Christmas season would look if I realized the most productive item on my list is listening to those I love.

So this December I'm going to rush less and sit more. I going to be mindful that come January the gift of an unruffled wife and mother will mean abundantly more to my family than a perfectly appointed holiday. I'm kissing misunderstanding goodbye under the mistletoe.