Psalm 139:23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. (NIV)
Seven years ago today, my life took a 180. The day started as a single mother of two daughters. The day ended as a married woman whose husband pledged to love her children as his own.
We celebrate our anniversary with our children. For us, it's the day we became a family, not just a couple. Early on Scott established a tradition of writing an annual letter addressed to all his girls. In it he documents the blessings of God for our family and how he sees Him at work in each life.
It will not surprise you that every year I cry. I feel so amazingly blessed to be married to a man who loves me and our four daughters so immeasurably. Every year I wonder to myself how I could ever be angry at him.
Today's passage is Psalm 4. This chapter contains a verse that is partially quoted by Paul in the book of Ephesians - "in your anger do not sin. The expanded version written by David says, "In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent."
As I read this I thought about the nights I've laid in bed stewing over a supposed oversight or injury by my spouse. How senseless. I considered all the moments I spewed my complaints without a thought or prayer.
I know from experience that my marriage is not transformed by asking God to change my husband's heart. I also know from experience that my marriage has been radically transformed by asking God to change mine.
Jesus, when I invite, You send out a search party for my heart. I have so many reasons to be thankful for my dear husband. Reshape my nighttime thoughts to recount Your goodness and ask You to peer into my heart. In quiet reflection, I will pray and not speak. I want a marriage radically blessed and transformed by Your love and grace.